(I had a visit last week with a friend who had been in the couple's class I taught years ago. In going over times and dates with him I realized I had made an error. It was actually 12 years between our arrival in Lufkin and my invitation to start the new class.; not a year or 18 months.)
PART 4
"I am like a pelican in the wilderness: I am like an owl in the desert. I watch, and am as sparrow alone upon the housetop." Psalm 102:6
The psalmist's description of feeling lost and alone could have been my lament in 1969. In the 12 years before I started teaching, I and my family attended Sunday school and church regularly but the best I can say for my spiritual growth is that it was minimal. However, I gave a very good impression of looking and walking like a Christian and could, when pressed, talk like a Christian. But I was a grade A phony; a cardboard Christian. I was a pew potato; a pew warmer.
I was like the psalmist's pelican: spiritually distant from where I should have been; an owl in the desert, nesting in the ruins of my existence. I was sitting beside the lonely sparrow, watching but not seeing, listening but not hearing.
Recently, one Sunday in church, My wife and I sat behind a young couple and their two children. They were in my direct line of sight to the pulpit so I couldn't miss what happened. During the sermon the wife slowly turned her head in her husband's direction just enough so she could see him from the corner of her eye. A slight movement of her arm and his reaction indicated a jab to his ribs. He gave her a sour look and straightened up. Had he nodded off? Probably, but I don't know. This all took place within a few seconds. I thought, "I know where he's coming from because I've been there. Be in church to set a good example for the kids. Show up; do my duty."
At age 44 I was trudging through life, painfully aware something was definitely missing. On the surface it appeared to others that everything was going well. But, as a father and a husband I was not what I should have been. I tried, unsuccessfully, to use my profession to cover the growing dissatisfaction that stuck pins in my heart. I can understand why some people turn to drugs, alcohol or illicit sex. I didn't but the temptation was there. Increasingly I recognized the reason for my unrest. I tried to avoid it but the truth had been seeping into my consciousness for years: I was not right with God. In spite of attending church for many years I didn't know what to do about it; where to find the handle on Jesus....how to grab hold of Him.
One Sunday, in desperation, I stopped a friend in the narthex of our church and blurted out, "How are you saved?" She laughed because, as she told me later, she thought I was joking. She also told me she didn't answer because, at the time, she didn't know the answer either!
Looking back I wonder how many church members I would have had to ask before I got a true answer. Also, why it never occurred to me to talk to our pastor about salvation. One reason may have been embarrassment. I thought I was the one black sheep; the only one in the church who was not saved. Little did I know. As things turned out, I discovered how very little I knew.
God knows the desire of the heart even when the desire is buried deep in our spirit, covered with a mountain of sin and doubt. When our desire is for Him, when we "hunger and thirst for righteousness," he will arrange our circumstances so we can find Him. Oswald Chambers said, "When we deliberately choose to obey Him, He will reach to the remotest star and the ends of the earth to assist us with all His mighty power."
For us , God arranged for a group of Christians to come to our church for a weekend called a Lay Witness Mission. My wife and I heard testimonies and attended small group meetings from Friday evening to Sunday morning. By then we understood that God loved us and knew us by name. On Sunday, my wife and I walked the aisle and gave our lives to Jesus and to gratefully accept what he had done for us at the cross. At the time the theological details were hazy to us. But our commitment to Jesus was clear and real.
Blessings to all
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